Taking a moment to breathe right now. Reflecting this summer already almost over since August is literally just days away, I feel like summer hasn't been that great at all. Hardly any time for swimming, laying out in sun or being lazy. Soaking up the deliciousness that summer brings with hot weather, sandals and sweat. Playing golf with my golf-fanatic husband. Nope! Not this year.
I could blame it on a lot of major things that are shifting in my life. May brought on some minor depression and frustrations with how things weren't going in my career life left over from February/March where my business plans with a friend blew up in my face and redirecting that ship after more than 2 years has been a challenge to say the least! June brought great trip to Colorado to visit my sister but hard to travel with a 1.5 year old (by MYSELF I might add!). I was exhausted and he was exhausted and sick afterwards. A week later my father-in-law married a 36-year old woman with 4 kids under 10 which has directly impacted my husband's and mine's lives because we all live here in St. Louis and aren't supportive of this decision! So it's been quite stressful as our relationship with him has dramatically declined. Following this event, only 4 days later, we had a health scare with my sister-in-law (she came out fine but had to go through surgery). And finally June 26th brought the death of my dear dad. All in 3.5 weeks. It's funny how time and life are share such a close-knit relationship. You go weeks, months, years, and then bam, bam, bam in matter of days, life pulls a 180.
July has just been uber fast. I feel a little bit more centered and through it all I realized that having my 100 Day Project was quite therapeutic during this roller coaster spring and summer time. It put art as a priority (even if it only was 30 minutes a day), and now it is crystal clear that I should be working on pursuing my career as an artist (I already feel like I have been) but FULL TIME is the point.
In the beginning of June in Colorado I went to see a physic, had my first tarot card reading. Weather you believe in that sort of thing or not, for me personally, I believe whole-heartedly there is a universal law of Love that is guiding, protecting, caring, encouraging and gently suggesting to each and every one of us what our divine purpose here on earth really is - what major lessons are each of us here to learn. Each one of us has different lessons to learn and I believe guidance came come in any kind of channel to help support our growth.
I was a bit nervous about the tarot reading but the instant we started, the guide almost yelled out "WHOA! You are definitely freaked out right now!!" Suddenly for the first time in months, I felt a huge lift from my mental shoulders because as the reading continued it was very clear that there are going to be a lot of shit happening in my life in the future. And in the past I've had to get balanced and centered BUT I had time for that. For past couple years I've not had any time and in past couple months, things have accelerated where I literally felt like I'm spiraling out of control in a vertigo. In only the first 10 minutes, I felt validated. I wasn't going crazy! She could literally read my energy and she described exactly what I had been feeling for months - a deer in headlights, frustrated, scared, exhausted, feeling like I should figure everything out now. The balance has not been there for a long LONG time.
The psychic confirmed that it will not be that way for a while - perhaps a year or two. There are MAJOR changes still to come in our lives. But she told me I had to find a way to be OK with this - to be OK with feeling flipped out and know that there are moments of peace and centered-ness, finding some other way to stay balanced. Oh. Ok. I thought, interesting.
Looking back just as the weeks went by after my reading so much already happened right in a row, but the vision that has completely settled inside me for weeks now is razor sharp, crystal clear. And it all has to do with that finality of accepting my role as an artist. Believe or not, even though almost a decade of schooling and being a professional artist, I have struggle with what kind of artist am I? I want to be a graphic designer? a web designer? a web consultant? a Marketing consultant? a small business partner owner of a website for creatives? a teacher? a wife? just a mother? All these labels we put on ourselves through our 20's and 30's - it's crazy! But finally, FINALLY, my heart is singing. What kind of artist do I want to be has been the major question of the past 5 years going through graduate school, etc. I did the high-end gallery route and that just didn't suit me - maybe it will eventually cause who knows what will happen. But right now, where I'm at it's not what I want at the moment.
But through it all right now, I can firmly say, I'm fine. I'm totally fine! And accepting this role as been a huge shift in my mental and emotional well being. It's inevitable. That word keeps coming to me. It may not happen now (like as a full-time artist to support my family), but it will happen, because it has to happen. There really isn't anything else I want to do, there isn't anything else I'm supposed to do. This is my "calling" and I feel that now more than ever. And in fact just doing 30 minutes a day of artwork has made me (gasp!) happy! So why struggle and try to be something else.