My Artists' Journey - Part 2 (Self-Exploration)

It would take 5 more years until I decided within my own heart to try to “be an artist.” Lots of experimentation along the way and trying to make it in the “real world.”

Something “clicked” my senior year in my college art program after my France Abroad (see “Part 1”). However, even though I had an entire spring semester to “explore” my new painting style, I got very, very frustrated. Because, even though my professor recognized something in me to keep going in that direction, he could not take me there. He could only point the way. So I spend those final months asking myself what the heck did I do to get my church painting & how do I do that again?

We all then started life after college graduation. I married (too young in our opinion) my high-school sweetheart and we moved to downtown Chicago to “start our life together.” It was tough. I found a job at a then-start-up commercial real estate firm who needed a graphic designer to put together their building flyers. My new bosses were hard-core born & raised Jewish New York City entrepreneurs that set off to conquer the real estate market in the “backwaters” of “puny” Chicago. Those 3 years were life transforming for me, & under their co-Founder, Jeff as my mentor, I learned a LOT about helping him start the Marketing department & business, as the firm rapidly grew from 3 brokers to over 20 when I left. It was such a cool experience.

But, I was creative and a dreamer. I wanted to travel, see the world and figure out my life on the fly. I married someone very opposite of me and even though we both thought we knew each other since we grew up together, very soon it was VERY evident that once we started making hard life decisions, we were VERY, VERY different. Looking back, we both never got some time spent by ourselves to figure out who we wanted to be.

I got pretty depressed. I felt this huge “drive” within me to “do something creative” but I didn’t know what. For so many years, I just felt I had a big question mark about it. I still at this time, felt very insecure about becoming a “real artist.” So I did everything I could think of to foster my dreaming around my strict 9-5 job.

I thought maybe I’d go back to school to be an Art Historian, but I needed to be fluent in at least 1 European language, preferably 2. I also needed lots of credits/portfolio showcasing my research papers (which I had none). I looked into MA in Graphic Design but since I was a minor in college, I did not have enough credits to get into a MA program without showing I finished other foundational coursework. At that point, web design and Flash was all the rage and I am not a software programmer so it was pretty intimidating & there was not a whole lot of space for creative folks like me to fit into such a technical world. There was quite a split still, either print-focused or web-focused. I looked into being an Art Teacher but again, needed Education background to fulfill that role.

But all these weren’t enough and I truly felt I was missing out on the opportunity that I needed to take before I had kids. I instinctively knew that once we wanted a family, I would be the type of mother that would be 100% devoted to that role, and if I did anything “selfish” for myself, I would need to do it BEFORE kids.

But we were living in downtown Chicago barely scraping by, the prospect of going into debt to pursue . . . something graduate school related was overwhelming. I certainly explored creative outlets ass much as I could since we had a tiny apartment, I could sketch and draw. I finally took an oil painting class which I loved but couldn’t really paint large paintings only tiny ones back at home.

I literally felt like a tiger in a cage. My soul was slowly dying and I didn’t know what to do.

I look back on those years - now over 17 years ago, and definitely feel for myself. I was in the “Wilderness,” feeling very alone and isolated. The city atmosphere was grating on me and my husband and I both hated the cold. It was exiting to live there without a car, taking transportation into downtown to work on the brown El line back to Armitage ini Lincoln Park but it was VERY routine. My personality prefers spontaneity (not too much but a little!) or flexibility, to keep my dreams alive, to keep a spark of life. As I look back I felt like I was barely hanging on. Even though I loved my husband very much, I expected him to support me no matter what, and to appreciate me for everything he was not. A Dreamer married to a Realist is not all that fun LOL.

I did a LOT of soul searching.

In the end, my soul heard me and gave me a way forward . . . .

My Artists' Journey - Part 1 ("The Painting that changed my life")

As I sat on my bed in my hotel room in Southern France in 2002, I knew that something had changed but couldn’t put my finger on it. I was mad! Frustrated that I couldn’t figure this out. You would think I would be in heaven–on my 2nd college abroad, in France for 8 weeks, and all we had to do was draw or paint all day while we traveled visiting villages, chateaus, and cities.

Why the heck was I SO ANGRY? I remember vividly I was staring at my tiny blank, white watercolor piece of paper, feeling my anger build up inside me. It was like when you’re a little kid and the teacher (or maybe your best friend) is telling you, “You have to be IN the lines Katy! IN the lines!” and I didn’t want to be in the lines, in face I intuitively knew that I SHOULDN’T be in the lines. It kind of felt like that!

I had taken art classes since I was 11. I had first looked upon one of my friend’s portrait of a woman he had created himself, and copied out of a photograph of a recent National Geographic magazine. It was just a girl and it was just a portrait done in pencil. But it was gorgeous - lifelike and perfect graphite rendering. I was absolutely captivated! How the heck did he do that? It looks so perfect! So real! Could I do that?

Taking art classes that young was definitely beneficial. I learned very early ob that YES, anyone could be taught how to draw like that. It was a skill to learn, practice and improve upon. It was clear that the traditional method of how to draw portraits or sketch landscapes was how to “see” the world like an artist: how to read light/shadow, how to abstract shape, how to learn the “little tricks” that optically capture something and then know that the eye will put it together (such as using one simple line curved in the right way “popped out” an eyelid, or created the pupil and thus suggested the twinkle in that eye). It was really fun. And it gave me a lot of encouragement that I could draw like that too.

Chartres Cathedral, Watercolor, 48x36 - painted from a graphite rendering by myself
Kathryn Neale Studio © 2003. All Rights Reserved.

And I drew and drew and copied and copied from photographs, magazines, calendar images, advertisements, etc. Some of them weren’t exact - cause again I would get impatient with my details. But I tried. And I loved it.

And I went all the way through my High School years never once thinking I’m an artist. I even decided to do the art program in my Liberal Arts college and wanted to do graphic design to be “practical.” But I still didn’t see myself as “an artist”, as a creator, as a designer, or whatever. I was interested in the subject matter but not very talented (100% believed it). Everyone else was way better than me. ESP one of my good friends who had always grown up doing what normal artists did - lounging around the school lobby sketching his peers from life, going out into nature and rendering a perfect rabbit or deer. He was (and still is) an AMAZING real life artist. His paintings, sketches, renderings, you name it are incredible and lifelike. In fact he has been paid to sketch scientific illustrations for the Smithsonian - the kind that have to be so exact, down to the millemeter of particular species of animals or birds, it’s impressive.

But he was an artist. That’s the way artists should be.

But that was not me in any way. I soon got very bored. And just kind of floated through college with not a lot of purpose, feeling instinctively that I was drawn to art but never gave myself permission, and didn’t know what to do. We had an eccentric professor who had been taught a specific watercolor technique from California/1950’s that taught all the advanced drawing/painting classes. I later learned this but at the time didn’t think too much about it. We were taught very specific techniques from him, as well as the tradition of plein air painting.

It was not until the France abroad my senior year in the fall that I finally got it —I don’t like plein air painting!! LOL! (But now I realize that’s where I get a lot of my “watercolor” influence now).

As I look back I realized I was frustrated and very bored with my college art classes. I didn’t know it at the time of course, but the lack of practical guidance and individual encouragement to find one’s own “personal style” was completely void. You either learned how to paint like this professor or you got B’s. Well I got B’s. So I thought I was no good and therefore didn’t understand it because I felt like I was painting like I was “supposed to” but there was nothing I could understand or hold onto concept-wise. I never did know what I was doing or what I was supposed to do. It was uber frustrating!

On the France abroad fall of my senior year, we would visit towns in the south along our route and by the time we got to the Dordogne area, I was so angry at my professor because it was just a freakin guessing game. He would come over to each of us and talk about things but it was abstract to me or way too specific. For some reason I wasn’t getting it and still after 4 years I didn’t have a clue what he wanted from me.

I was so upset I just picked up my stuff and headed back to my hotel room (which earned me a BIG FROWN from him). In the peace and quiet, I popped in a CD I had made of Mozart (yes no apple devices yet - this was well over a [two] decades ago!).

Honfleur Chapel, Watercolor, 8x10 - Kathryn Neale Studio © 2002. All Rights Reserved.

And an amazing thing happened. I completely let go. I created a painting that was a conversation in my head with the professor. I did everything that he “didn’t want me to do” and when asked “why?,” I responded “I DON’T CARE!!”. The result was something I had NEVER produced before. And I had no idea what to make of it. It was a church, a church from memory (even though I have a terrible memory) but it was . . . abstract to me. And completely foreign.

After I made it, I stared and stared. I felt incrementally that I had made something different that this was a “turning point” but still couldn’t decide what to make of it. There was this . . . . SHIFT. I certainly felt good, felt relieved and felt like this was mine. I didn’t feel that I liked it necessarily but it was still like “did I just do that?”

Every night we would all gather together for a “show and tell.” I had labored back and forth whether to bring it down and finally I thought “F-it! who cares! that’s what I did today so everyone can just be mortified. I put it down with all the other beautiful creations. And held my breath. I watched as one by one my art colleagues and friends passed it by. They would nod and smile and point at other friend’s work and say “nice job!” or “I love that!” “wow!” but not one word about my little painting. Not one word. They didn’t know what to make of it.

And then out of no where, a voice beside my ear whispered, “Katy, did you make that?” I spun around face to face with none other then my . . . professor!! I gulped. “YES.” There was this a long, pregnant pause . . . . . . and then he whispered, “well I would like to see MORE of that!”

WHAT?!?! What? I don’t think I heard you? MORE OF THAT?! More of WHAT? I was stunned.

That was it! That was all my church painting got in a response. And I was completely bewildered. I was 100% positive I would get reprimanded and or worse, just ignored. But I got a response! And not just any response but a whole-hearted positive encouragement!

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Well I can’t tell you the ending to this story because there was no such thing until years later when I finally concluded I had to make art (even though I still wasn’t “an artist). I wish I could say that I went on to create all these paintings and came out of college bursting with energy and confidence because I was a painter!!! an artist! But that’s not how life is. This painting was subtle, so subtle I barely missed it. But it lingered there, waiting for me to acknowledge it.

Japanese Bagoda, Watercolor, 48x36 - Kathryn Neale Studio © 2003. All Rights Reserved.

Jazz Ensemble from New Orleans, Watercolor, 48x36
Kathryn Neale Studio © 2003. All Rights Reserved.

I spent the rest of the abroad not knowing what the hell I was doing still, totally in a muffle because to be honest, I had no clue how I made that thing! You think that’s stupid to say but I had spent all of my young adult life thinking there was only one way to be an artist (sound familiar?) To suddenly turn that around took a great deal of self-confidence and time.

At the end of the semester my professor pulled me aside and asked why he hadn’t seen anymore work like the church I had made? I told him honestly I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t know if I could recreate that.

Thankfully the next spring semester was a senior project where we could work on art that we wanted to do. That was the semester where I really experimented with my new style. And guess what? I LOVED IT! LOVED IT LOVED IT!

Stonehenge Series, Pastel, 48x36
Kathryn Neale Studio © 2003. All Rights Reserved.

I remember clearly one incident with my good friend (you remember the guy I grew up with in High School that made all those awesome “real-life” scientific drawings?”). My professor came over to his work that day that was very detailed, perfectly drawn with the animals, perspective, beautiful layering of paint, etc. and they discussed very specifically that the palm tree leaves in front needed to “go back further in space.” They were too forward, and need to recede. very specific and very exact.

Then professor came over to me and stood there for a couple seconds, and finally just said “that dark blob there? Looks good! But this area - needs something . . . . a bit more . . . . ” I beamed. Yes! We were FINALLY speaking the same language! Wow!

Stonehenge, Oil on canvas, 8x10
Kathryn Neale Studio © 2005. All Rights Reserved.

My friend immediately sauntered over to what I was working on and just shook his head, “Courageous Kate . . . you have a lot more courage then I do!” hah! I just laughed feeling suddenly very free. No matter how hard he tried, I believed he couldn’t paint like me - I had found some magical recipe only for me!

I found out later from my professor after that semester and it school was over, he confided in me that he actually wanted to create more abstract work like mine (like mine?!?! what the heck?) He said that all of his life he thought “true art” was what he was taught from his master teachers. And he loved it. But later in life he realized he got so bored with it all and never really “got” the abstraction movement that paralleled his life but late in life realized that was the real challenge. And he felt he couldn’t cross that bridge. It was actually too foreign, too scary? I was shocked. He seemed, regretful and almost sad. He congratulated me for doing it and said to keep going.

I look back at this whole experience clearly grateful for it. It was not earth-shattering by any means. And I realize too that with all my frustrations with my professor, at least he recognized something unique in me. Even if he himself didn’t know how to keep bringing it out of me then. He still recognized it and encouraged me to explore that way of painting. That I will never forget.

I give this professor FULL CREDIT and am grateful to him every single day I get into the studio. He taught me the watercolor aesthetic & encouraged me in that moment when I needed it most. It was my own journey, it took quite a while, but this truly was a turning point. I went on to create many more types of paintings in this “new style” - even a set of pastels based on Stonehenge photos I took while I visited the real circle. This series just poured out of me. It was easy, new and I couldn’t get enough of it. Over the years I experimented in oil too - eventually quitting my corporate job to pursue a Masters in the middle of cornfields 4 years later.

to be continued . . . .

_______________________

I originally posted this back in 2015. And this experience below was from 13 years before the post. As I read through it now, I’m over 40 years old, with a much deeper appreciation of my experience with more perspective. I wish I could sit here in stillness, frozen in this moment and go back to these days of constant self-exploration, questioning, journaling and painting. Guess that comes with the “wisdom” of age, by the time we can again spend full days contemplating our creative process, hopefully we can still physically lift a paintbrush! But even now, if I get 30 minutes of precious painting time, it’s a gift. But any extra time like sitting to finish this post, I have to force myself to reflect because all I want to do is take the time to paint.

I look back and am so jealous of my young self - so much TIME to spend on working on this. Today, TIME is barreling past like 130 mph train with no stops and very few “slow” times. I wish I could spend each and everyday in my studio, pushing myself, challenging myself and growing creatively. I know it will always be there for me. I will never question that moment again and now on a mission to help others discover their own inner-artist capabilities.

Creativity is everywhere. Process is everywhere. There never is a destination. Like my professor from years ago, we all have our own fears and insecurities no matter what age. The “wisdom” comes in taking a few moments here and there to practice one’s own creativity. It’s never too late. I now disagree with my old professor, no matter what age you are, you can overcome fear and insecurity and try something new, trust in yourself and be playful, in the moment and free! :D For we all are reflections of the One True Creator - it’s inevitable! All we have to do is believe and try!

Stonehenge, Watercolor, 48x36, Kathryn Neale Studio © 2003. All Rights Reserved.

Hunkering down this winter

Happy New Year!

It came as no surprise to myself that I have been a little MIA entire month of December. The holidays ARE crazy. Lots and lots of fun building up to Christmas. And with my 5 year old son now, it was SO much fun. We watch holiday movies, sing holiday songs, went to Grinch on Christmas Day and saw Santa at Breakfast. We called Santa for requests for new shoes and a truck. Attended a lovely candlelight eve service to remind us of spirit of this holiday and sing carols. And watched Santa Christmas Eve deliver his gifts all over the globe. SO much fun.

But it was a whirlwind! Both my husband and I had to sub and work during the holidays so there was no “time off.” And our kids had a full month off from daycare/school (which is unique and annoying) so trying to balance who taking which kid, staying home a day, taking Grant to work during work etc. it was definitely “juggling with all the balls” in the air so-to-speak.

We have a very small family so Christmas has been a little tough in the past trying to figure out how to celebrate in a nice way that still means something. Now with our kids, I am figuring out the traditions and what to pass on. Christmas always reminds us of those who are no longer with us - my mother-in-law and my dad. It’s bittersweet to have space to remember during each year, but also sad to feel sense of loss.

But this year was unique in that the weekend after Christmas, we had my brother-in-law come into town with his wife to through all his family a gender-reveal party for their first expected in May. THAT was FUN. All the cousins were there for a full weekend so who knows when that will happen again. But it was a blast (exhausting but a blast for all of us). Ended up being 8 kiddos on Saturday and 6 throughout the weekend.

It’s also time of the Winter Solstice, trying to “pause.” Although I never feel ready to do so until after the hectic time of the holidays until now, January. I know I’m not alone in this, it’s our culture today.

Today & this weekend we have a rare treat for St. Louis - a snowstorm coming. Most of the predicted storms (even thunderstorms) are so hit or miss here. If you are weather person here in STL you don’t get much respect (LOL!) It’s very difficult to predict and so most of the dire predictions are met with a lot of skepticism. We shall see but it looks pretty legit that we will be dumped on tonight and tomorrow.

I am actually excited though. To get an excuse to hunker down and stay put for a full 24+ hours will feel . . . nice.

My agenda for January originally was to pull together a clearance sale of my older artwork. But of course it’s already middle of January and . . . nothing. So I’m now thinking of an early “Spring sale!”

I was supposed to do all the holiday offerings but it gets so wild and crazy in Nov/Dec and I feel like all I’m doing is jumping on the same bandwagon as everyone else. I am completely overwhelmed and bombarded by so much merchandise, I’m positive any of my audience is with me here too.

So I’ve decided to just sit quiet and start to think about how I would like to offer sales during this time. And it might just be concentrated on Black Friday and then that’s it. Nothing for December unless it’s last minute sales to ship.

I also have a few commissions to work on and one that I’ve been “working on” for months that I need to FINISH. This is about the time when I get very inspired and start to imagine all the possible series of works I could start/finish and there’s a newness and freshness about it.

This year I will complete the 100 day project again (last year I had to stop after Day 20 because of my son being born right at the beginning. I though perhaps I could “catch up” throughout the rest of the year but (LOL!) wishful thinking with taking care of an infant (who has had troubles sleeping) with a 5 year old.

Other than that, not much actually planned except a new possible project with my very talented sister but more on that later.

I will get back on track with blogs starting next week but wanting to check in and still confirm we are still alive! Just had to take a break.

Hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and New Year.

Pause for gratitude

I’m “pausing” my "10 Tips to Jump-Start your Abstract Paintings” articles to honor one of my favorite times of the year, Thanksgiving, here in the US.

It’s always such a great reminder not just to give thanks on a national holiday each year, but to make this a daily practice.

Just searching online today’s “Gratitude Movement,” Google indexed over 58,000,000 results. To say that this is a “movement” is an understatement I think. Maybe it’s a revolution!

But how do I really, truly and genuinely be grateful? But what does it really mean to you to be truly grateful?

I am so grateful for big things like my sons, (especially my youngest right now because we were close to not having a second kid!), my husband, my sister and my family and extended family. I am so grateful I get to do art (any kind of art, for fun or for even a project or consignment). I am grateful for my sons’ school situation, where they get tons and tons of love and attention, the teachers are inspiring and the community are just good people.

Those are the BIG THINGS. Like the overarching stuff.

Then there’s the “I am grateful for . . . BUT . . . “

I am grateful for my job because it pays the bills, I have tremendous flexibility and it is not stressful.

BUT. But it’s not what I want to do in that it’s customer service and order processing. It’s been a challenge (understatement) to come to terms with that being a creatively inclined person. It also has direct ties to family. And that’s been a challenge I won’t go into in this post. But it’s scary in any family business situation to put all of “our eggs in one basket” so to speak, because my husband also works for same company (he is technically my boss), so that comes with a different kind of stress as well-working with each other, bringing work home and home to work, and feeling like there’s no future either for me there.

I am grateful that my husband continuously wants to improve his professional life.

BUT. But it’s at the expense of working full time and AGAIN pursuing ANOTHER masters program. While we have two small children. And I feel AGAIN (for the 4th year in a row), like a single parent.

I am grateful for our house.

BUT. But it’s now feeling too small and crap is literally everywhere. With two kids and my husband never around because of his school on top of full time work, it’s endless. I am not the most organized person. I freely admit I’m pretty messy. But this is over the top even for myself. And the “messes” are not even my own AND they don’t even stay in the same room (like picking up clothes that belong in your closet in the bedroom vs finding a spatula in the bowels of your basement - how the hell did that get here? - and climbing all the way upstairs to put it back in the right kitchen drawer).

I am grateful for yoga and my yoga teacher training I did two years ago and for the teaching that I did a year ago.

BUT. But I haven’t touched a yoga mat since my prenatal yoga classes (a full year now) and i don’t see when I can get back soon because I cannot do anything for myself because my husband is not around to help even watch the kids for a night so I can do yoga.

I am so incredibly grateful for my youngest son. He’s brought so much joy into our lives and he’s just been with us 7 months! He smiles and laughs all the time and he’s so social and interested in everyone and everything around him. So much fun.

BUT. BUT right now he still doesn’t sleep! Like intermittent sleep, perhaps a solid 4 or maybe if lucky 6 hour block first. But then he’s up literally every 1:45 minutes the rest of the night. I still feel like I’m in newborn stage. And sometimes, I have such lack of total sleep that I cannot even focus my eyes on getting dressed in the mornings. My head hurts so much I have to completely “shut down” and I cannot even think about positive things I need to do like laundry, picking up the bedroom, putting away dishes, or even further, taking a yoga class, planning better meals to eat better, or even going downstairs to paint for 30 minutes (heaven forbid!)

I am grateful for my body. This body gave birth to two beautiful boys. That in and of itself is a soul-gut wrenching amazing miracle.

BUT. BUT, I still look like I’m 4 months pregnant with children asking me “what’s in there?” to a Panera Manager congratulating me on my pregnancy. I am still 30 lbs over my ideal weight and because of our second child not sleeping (see above), most days I cannot even process enough of my day to get through the day and night. I dread nights now because of lack of sleep. And I cannot “get ahead” enough to feel like I can actually plan out the next week to perhaps go on a diet to help me feel better about myself or even go to that yoga class!

I am grateful for my artwork.

BUT. But the truth of it is, I want to make it more then just a hobby and I want to make it a steady income, something I can be proud of because it’s always just been “oh that’s Katy doing that hobby art thing again” on the side. It’s a huge tension point in my marriage, and now that I have really taken steps to be “serious” about it, everything has completely dried up in that department! It’s like when I didn’t expect anything to happen, things (like sales specifically or opportunities to be accepted into art shows etc) happened. Now that I want things to happen, they have not.

And then…this quote hit me over the head this morning as I was preparing to write this post. “Nothing new can come into your life unless you are grateful for what you already have.” Right now. This moment. COMPLETE.

These are the things I need to hear and read most often. This post is written to myself. To be grateful is a complete thing right here right now. No “but’s,” EVER.

Genuine gratitude is simple. It is profound. It sinks deep into your bones. You have to sit with it and not only let it wash over you but to hit you with a sledge hammer. To allow anything else that’s positive and good in your life to come to you, you can’t be occupied with worry, anxiety or stress.

The “but’s” are all half empty, half full statements, indicating that sure, I am “grateful” for this or that but I could be REALLY REALLY grateful like 100% IF this or that was improved or showed up in my life.

No. Gratitude is a complete statement.

I am grateful for the air I breathe. There’s not “but’s” about that statement.

I am grateful for the sun that shines and gives light and life to our planet.

I am grateful I burst into happiness when my son giggles and laughs.

I am grateful for my sister, who is a soulmate in this lifetime to me.

I am grateful for my husband who has taught me so much already these past two decades together. It hasn’t been easy for sure, but what relationship is “easy” as long as it still is “worth it,” worth growing and learning about love.

I am grateful for my son Grant and for my son Trey, who both are the light and love of my life.

I look at these and realize, these gratitude statements are in fact affirmations. It’s very easy for me to feel the “completeness” of these statements, there’s no “but’s” or anything else to add or footnote.

And I finally realize as I end this post that it’s easy to turn around the “but” paragraphs above. Simply turn them around to affirmations. That they’ve already taken place in my life. There’s no other room for anything else BUT gratitude.

And I’m so grateful for Michael Bernard Beckwith for this quote. To remind me of this profound lesson in being grateful. It’s not for the superficial and it’s not just “an exercise.” It is a way of life, of seeing and being IN life, being IN the moment, here and now. And not to expect anything else in the future. To be grateful is a presence of mind.

Trip Down Memory Lane

Stumbled on my old art journals tonight–especially the big one that took me all the way through my MFA program.

It’s interesting. I’m still processing, not sure how I feel when I look through these pages. Endless scribbles, notes, half-written journal entires, notes from critiques, names of artists & movements, and lists and lists of fragmented ideas. It’s impressive! So many ideas!

I’m just now (as I approach my 38th trip around the sun) truly delving into one of my greatest strengths from that Briggs-Myers personality test, trying to understand it better and see it for what is really is: a strength. It is called “IDEATION.”

Ideation is defined in this context by people who are “fascinated by ideas.” Folks who are able to “find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena,” and “relish free-thinking experiences such as brainstorming and discussion groups.”

I’ve always vaguely been aware that for some reason I love to sit down with a good friend and chat for hours on . . . well. . . anything and everything. And when a particular conversation is enlightening or provides more profound insights, I walk away completely energized and free.

But I honestly thought that was just fun. And that everyone does this!

I didn’t realize how much I would miss that part of me and that it actually needs be consistently nourished if it doesn’t just happen naturally in my environment. Until relatively recently, looking back at this unique experience, such as going through my Masters program, it was such an intensely intellectual period of my life. These pages were written well over 9 years ago now, and tonight as I flip through them, I’m . . . amazed?

Who IS this girl? For sure I feel a rush of memories assail me, flooding back as if I was sitting in those critiques, jotting down notes in lectures, gathering interesting information in the library and trying to reflect on my process in the studio. All essential things to be doing during the program.

But it seems so far away now. As I flip through reading bullet points and messy scribbles of hard to read handwriting, it was like I couldn’t capture the ideas fast enough.

And that’s exactly what I remember. The feeling of utter frustration that while I had access to all these juicy ideas either from material I read or the professors themselves, at the same time, I was completely over-stimulated and bombarded constantly. I had almost no time to process, digest, shift through, pause, absorb or reflect.

I loved the intellectual stimulation though, and even in that arena at that time I was aware at how unique that academic experience provides. But as I came back down from that experience of being constantly overstuffed and overfed to . . . nothing after graduation, it was quite a shock. Back to the real world where obligations of work and family were once again the priority. I had a reprieve but because my husband had little interest in the world that I was consumed in for over two years, it felt very isolating and lonely.

No wonder I failed to engage back into routine life.

Fast forward to today, almost a decade after this journal was written, I look through it with a completely new perspective. Perhaps this is good timing. I am a totally different person now. I am also very much detached from the experience, I would say in a healthy way. Perhaps it is time to revisit and re-engage with some of these ideas, make them my own and internalize them.

The total wilderness of constant info, prompted responses, reflections, insight and just plain thrashing of your artwork and the constant demand to defend it in your own right, completely took a tole on my emotional and intellectual psyche. What was actually me, what did I actually think? What did I believe? Why did I believe it?

In the end, the experience completely intellectualized the entire creative process. This is not abnormal when trying to fit any creative and innovative thinking into some kind of structure, and academia certainly one of the most challenging areas simply because how can you “grade” a piece of artwork?

That is why I do remember people advised me not to go back to MFA program and just keep painting. But a part of me wanted this intellectual stimulus that jolted me out of my everyday life and exposed me to so many new ideas. But, at what cost?

There certainly is a place for critical thinking in art. But, as I’ve come to work on my own again, for me, that place is after the art has been created. When I’m in the middle of creating, it’s in my opinion, that’s when the critical thinking part of our brains need to be turned OFF and the gut and intuitive decisions need to be turned ON.

I’m amazed I have a complete record written down in front of me that I can just jump back in a flip through - like a time warp. It is now, thankfully, stripped of all that EGO (mine & the professors), all the ulterior motives and selfish guiding instead of heart-felt mentoring.

Sadly, that’s what I most remember being particularly painful at the end. I made it through this rigorous experience but I still had very little trust that the instructors truly had my overall well being in mind. My creative journey, my art, was an instrument for their personal ego to manifest whatever intentions or motivations they deemed the “best.” I’ve never been before or since then, around such brazen ego in my life!

And as much as I truly wanted to respect them and their work, most often, I was face-to-face with some really nasty and pettish people! People that I did not even like or would want to be around or get to know in my normal life. The politics to me were unbelievable and it wasn’t even in a top #1 program like Yale!

So perhaps it is time. Time to bury the negative and look for the gems of the positive in my journals. Gleam any nuggets of information or insight that might be valuable to me here and now. Honoring the freedom of brainstorming and thinking of new ideas and how that makes me feel - stimulating, energizing, life-giving.

But above all, the entire experience once again reminds me that any person, (but especially artists), ultimately we must all listen to our own inner voice. If our motivations are true, then our hearts will align with our Higher Purpose and listening to our voice is the only way to move forward. And this apply to all great artists - whatever art you are creating in your daily life!

In the Studio: Getting into a Routine

my studio - 9.18.18 (always have to have a movie on! My favorites are BBC British TV or PBS Masterpiece Classic . . . and Outlander of course!)

Routine is a funny thing. As an artist, inherently I battle against it, not wanting to get into anything “strict” because it feels too structured for me. It’s too restrictive and downright leads to boredom, and then dangerously, to depression.

For me, flexibility of an unstructured day breathes freedom into my life. The choice to make decisions based on how I feel and what I feel like doing, and when, is my ultimate goal. For me, it equates to a positive outlook of my day and overall, I feel grateful for the quality of life each day. It also allows for spontaneity and synchronicity to flow much easier, something that I continually search for in my creative process.

But at this time in my life, having no routine or schedule is just frankly, not an option. Having two kids and being married comes with all the stresses of our everyday life.

I’m a full-time working mom, with a new baby son, born in April, and already a mama to almost 5 year old son now. My baby son was born in April and my maternity leave ended in the beginning of June. With going back to work, and then flying to Denver and then Boston to see family for vacation, it’s been quite a busy but exciting summer. It has also been quite a “let down,” to say the least, this fall.

my studio - 9.18.18

My husband also works full time and is continuing his education online getting (another) Masters as well. This past summer he took four months off from his studying and it turned out be a blast. We spent so much time every weekend at the pool and then also at the golf range or riding around in a golf cart. The days were beautiful, bright and just FUN. But it truly felt like we were on this speed train flying through the countryside, hardly having a moment to take a breath, and we blinked, and it is September!

Wait, where the hell did summer go?

In the midst of all this chaos (and still trying to get few hours of sleep at night with a young baby) throughout the summer, it became apparent that instead of focusing on the 100 day project (which I usually have found extremely inspiring for me), I found myself ready and excited to start a new series of works. Yeah! Which is great because that’s what the 100 day project actually helps ignite for myself anyway - just doing something that gets the creative juices going.

my studio - 9.18.18 (baby Trey taking a nappie)

I’ve been way overdue for a new series of works (my latest completed in 2016), so it’s been percolating for some time now. And out of all the mandated routines and schedules of summer camp, daycare, and full weekend days enjoying much needed “family time,” I somehow ended up finding “extra” time here and there to go down into our basement where my studio is, just to paint.

It started with small increments here and there. I have 15 minutes, I’ll put a layer on this painting. Another night I’ll have 30 minutes so I’ll do a couple layers with 3 paintings. I have small paintings, medium and larger paintings. I just continued to layer and layer and layer. One night at a time. Or one afternoon here or there.

The week before my maternity was up, my husband “gifted” me another week of delaying work allowing me some much needed “me” time while it was the first week for our baby boy to go to full-time daycare. So I was home alone during the day. And two days I actually spent three hours each day to paint. It was blissful! And it pushed me ahead in several larger paintings which I could actually see some progress.

Now that I have a second to breathe and reflect why this is still happening, since September is ending, I am proud of myself to say that I’m still doing this! I’ve completed several paintings of the series (see here), but I’m still only half way through. Why am I still doing this?

my studio - 9.18.18

I ask myself because I usually do not like to work this way - with a LOT of things in my life. I usually prefer to be “project-based” where different projects come my way and there’s a beginning, middle and end. And it may be intense for a couple weeks or a day or two but then the push is over. And then other times it might be slower and quiet. But I thrive on this kind of pace. It feels cyclical and manageable, and exciting and interesting.

Doing things little by little in “chunks” is not something I inherently find enjoyment in - mainly because I think BIG, I’m a dreamer. That comes with advantages but also weaknesses. I dream up all these possibilities and it’s so fun in my mind, then I come down to earth and it’s tough to start the nitty-gritty. Needless to say I start 100’s of things and have a challenge finishing them.

And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve read so much about this is how a lot of people get their business online going in the midst of their everyday life. Just the compound effect fact, little by little, doing it over time is way more effective and sustainable then jumping in with high expectations and finding yourself quitting before even barely started. Certainly can be that way with diets and exercise.

For me, it’s the “inevitability,” the scheduling that everything is the same over and over each day . . . forever, that kills me. (My husband, The Accountant, thrives on these mini-routines, makes him feel secure and safe). I feel suffocated because my life is now mapped out in front of me. I feel like I loose control.

my studio - 9.18.18 (Grant playing)

But THIS IS WORKING for me! And I can hardly believe it. I attribue a lot to my 5 year old son, right now. Because he wants to be in the same room as I am while he’s playing, and the simple practicality helps in that we’ve set up his playroom in the basement next to where I work. As long as I am putting on one of my favorite BBC British TV series and working near or around my desk, Grant is so happy and content to play near me. Trey (our baby boy), benefits too. He has several “spots” that I can now put him in for 10 minutes here or there, or often, he takes a nap by the heater on the floor.

In this way, the consistency of just being home, having 30 minutes or an hour to kill before bedtime has been immensely helpful for me. I feel such accomplishment! I also find consistency - just looking at my artwork each night allows me to think on it all the next day, to visualize and test out what I could do there or there to take it 1 step further.

Yes, my dream would be to have designated studio days to paint all day long. But for right now, this is working because I’ve chosen to have a family, and a life outside of just being a painter. And I love that and accept it but also need to allow myself to breathe and not make such high, unrealistic demands about it.

As I get older I do find comfort in knowing that I will be doing this for the rest of my life - painting is not something that I will ever stop. So in that way, I will always circle back to it.

And on the flip side, in a life right now that seems very restrictive in a way that I struggle daily with the structure, routine and the “should do’s” that aren’t fun, as long as I have these couple minutes to be creative, I find I am happy with myself. I am grateful for my life.

Surprise message from my inner voice

Yesterday, I was picking up my boys from daycare & school, and something landing (KERPLAT!) on my windshield immediately freaking me out! I was going about 10 mph rolling up to the entrance waiting in a small line, and at first, my reaction was to violently tap the windshield to make the "bug" go away. As soon as I slowly parked, I took a half second to actually look at the bug. It was HUGE! But doing a double-take, I realized, it was a grasshopper!

When was the last time I actually saw a REAL grasshopper? I stared at it. My brain trying to make sense of the reptile-like hard shell, big legs, and spindly antennae. Sitting on my windshield it looked like it was totally suspended in thin air! It was like a complete alien to me.

I'm not at all the best bug person. I have a healthy respect for all insects but I'm not the type of person who thinks they're fascinating. Pretty sure grasshoppers actually live in like, the GRASS or prairie or whatever. Yes, I live in the midwest so it's not at all a surprise to hear them in the background singing away with the acacias. BUT on my windshield in West County Suburbia? That's a first.

I slowly opened my door so as not to scare it into my car and quickly shut it. I thought about waving it off to fly away but I decided why the hell not just let it chill for a bit. When I got my boys and came back to the car I had already forgotten about it. So when I slammed my door closed and looked up, it was still there!

Intrigued, I quickly googled the symbolism of a grasshopper:

"When the grasshopper appears to us we are being asked to take a leap of faith and jump forward into a specific area of life without fear. Usually that specific area is one that we have avoided and is often connected to change on a larger scale. This can represent a change in location, relationships, career or just in the way we perceive ourselves.

Grasshoppers can only jump forward….not backward, or sideways. So, when grasshopper shows up he could be reaffirming to you that you are taking the right steps to move forward in your current situation. Or it could be that he is telling you to go ahead and move forward, getting past what is hindering you. This is why grasshopper is the symbol of good luck all over the world. Grasshopper’s ability to connect and understand sound vibrations is why he is also a symbol of your inner voice. he could be telling you to trust yours."

Read more: 
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_spiritual_meaning_of_grasshoppers#ixzz2l9s7BEfE

Understandably, I got chills. Holy cow how apropos! Being asked to take a leap of faith is something I'm doing right now, right here in this blog space, right here offering art classes and seeing if I can really give back to the world through my art. Things that I've been dreaming about for past 5+ years, I'm finally just saying "the hell with this! I'm trying!" and letting go of that fear.

"Usually that specific area is one that we have avoided" is certainly right where I am right now too. Thinking this is not possible, it could never be sustainable as a career and will I find enjoyment in reaching out to others, sharing in this creative process. Making art can be very isolating. While that's very positive and healthy environment to just be with oneself and learn to trust and hear your own voice, it's also just as healthy to share and give and connect with others. Whatever it might be and where it might take me, to trust in my own intuition and inner voice. 

As soon as I read this the grasshopper spread it's wings and flew off. I sat there for a moment. I wanted to write this blog post to remember it. 

Then I hear my 4-year old behind me, "Why aren't we leaving mama?" snap me back to reality.

How cool it is that the universe can send us tiny little messages - so small and insignificant, I would've completely missed if I hadn't taken a second to sit there awed by this ancient insect.

childhood games

To this day, I remember almost ALL of my childhood games I used to play. (I'm sure I'm not at all alone in this!) I remember I never stopped "playing," imagining all different kinds of worlds, scenarios and characters. Whatever I watched in movies or on TV, I immediately was inspired to go out to play it and do my own version of it. Whether it was Winnie the Pooh, Batman, Sound of Music, The Little Mermaid or even those blue faced Smurfs, to this day I can actually remember all of those games. Above is an example I wrote down a few years ago of a list that I came up with - it's 3 pages long! (read below of what I remember)

My mom was an elementary school teacher for almost three decades, and I always had to go to school in the wee hours of the morning with her while she prepared for her day. She gave me blank books to draw in and I still have those books I created. A favorite theme was a red-haired "Pollyanna" and her adventures through a series of several books. I loved illustrating them! I still have those books and as I write this, I realize I should post them!

Now that I am a mother, my almost 5 year old son, I've delighted in witnessing his creative nature and how it has changed over the many months from 2 to now. I remember the first time that he started to quietly play with action hero dolls. It was almost 3 years ago, we were at a friend's house who had older brothers so they had Star Wars action figures scattered around their house. My little guy went right over, picked two up and started playing out voices and interacting with both of them. Most of it was "I want to play with you," and the other one, "NO!", then "I'm sorry I would like to play with you." I about shouted out loud with glee - YIPEE!

So I immediately went back home and ordered couple action figures for him to play with because it was time. Now we have twenty-two! And one of my favorite pass times now is just to watch my kid play (how voyeuristic is that?!) 

This is probably the main thing that I miss most about being a kid. We had limitless freedom to just "drop into a world" and play whatever we want, pick it up and put it down anytime, anywhere (probably why kids love video games these days!) where time just flew by. It was just SO FUN.

Now that I'm an adult, I see some similarities between this "playtime" and how I approach how to create my artwork. It has to be fun and inspiring for me. Something easy that I can jump into and out of without restrictions, time constraints or frankly, expectations. There's no end result. It's like playing within your own imaginary world where I am all the characters and I can make all the decisions. Some days I feel like making these kinds of decisions, other days, it flows this way or that way. But ultimately there's no one saying this "isn't right" or explaining to me why "this can't work out" etc. Just like a child I can invent anything I want, take it way, start over or repeat it over and over again. The sky really is the limit. 

***** I do want to put a little tag line in here that making my artwork is not super "easy." And I had to LEARN myself how to get to this point with my artwork because getting my MFA in an academic setting I could argue that was not "fun." There are days though still, when things are just not working (and I'll post on that later). The myth that artists just sit down and "create" and it "flows out of them like honey" is just that–a MYTH. But I have heard various artist lectures about the challenge of creating art that is difficult for them, either subject matter or with materials, and working in the studio is a process of real "sweat and toil." It's HARD. I'm not disrespecting anyone's process or how they make their artwork because to each their own, and I get that. This type of motivation can be highly constructive. It's just that for me, personally, I could never do that. I would never make art now because it's super challenging and difficult. That's just not me. I would NEVER do it. 

That's why I have loved working on smaller works, like my 100 day projects. (2018 series is still being finished this fall - since birth of my 2nd son happened in April, that was the start of the new project this year, I, understandably, fell off the wagon pretty quickly trying to keep up!). It becomes a daily practice - like I'm practicing piano. I can make mistakes, mess up, try things, until I get something right. No pressure. And for me, that's where it becomes fun.

---

THINGS I DID & REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LITTLE 

• watch thunderstorms all night from my bedroom window
• be at home alone, turn up my stereo to full volume with my current fav soundtrack & sing songs at top of my lungs (a favorite around Middle School was Bodyguard soundtrack - duh! who doesn't want Whitney Houston's voice?!)
• playing piano for hours and hours with no one home (Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin)
• playing that I had a twin sister - I was eerily obsessed with twins
• when I was in 1st grade I went to a summer camp and there was a sister duo from New Zealand - I spent the rest of the camp trying to talk like them and swore I was a Kiwi native (LOL!)
• watching the old 60's version of Batman and Catwoman TV series "Nick at Night" and playing catwoman in my cherry trees in my yard 
• playing Gone with the Wind, Ten Commandments (of course I was Nefritiri most of the time vs Mariam), Little Mermaid (in the summer with the water hose and birdbath), Robin Hood (Errol Flynn version), and Quiet Man.
• when I was 5, came home every single day to watch Wizard of Oz, then played Dorothy
• in 1st grade I had a cool bunk bed and on the top, I created a whole world based on Winnie the Pooh book illustrations. I took ruled school paper, colored with crayons and cut and taped into windows that opened and closed with different scenes outside (like snow), or full on cupboards full of honey and berries, trunks full of clothes and blankets and a clock. I was a chipmunk friend lived in my own treehouse. I wish I had taken a photo it was AMAZING I'm sure. 
• i loved to draw and illustrate stories
• I was obsessed with eyes - portraits of people with stunning eyes
• I used to take cloth dinner napkins and American Girl Kristen's clothes to make elaborate medieval & Renaissance costumes for my Barbies with petticoats and veils (this was after I saw the 1960's version of Romeo & Juliet).
• 2nd-4th grade obsessed with American Girl Kristen and her story – my greatest Christmas memory was when I actually GOT the doll and I freaked out! I only got Kristen and couple dresses but that was enough. I still have that doll - an ORIGINAL American Girl (before they sold to Matel).
• 7th grade my best friend and I, Tricia, watched Kenneth Branagh's version of "Much Ado About Nothing" every single day for a while summer and religiously quoted the entire screenplay. We went as far as to ask her Grandmother to make us these white dresses with corsets like Emma Thompson and Kate Beckinsale wear and planned this whole real pinic in the "Tuscan landscape" in 105 degree weather in St. Louis August heat. We were only allowed to speak to each other in "Old English" (aka what WE THOUGHT was "Shakespearean").
• When I was 10, my favorite music soundtrack was Henry IV choral songs. When I had a bad day I would blast it from my parent's stereo sound system to full volume (swear speakers broke) and cry and cry and feel better after.
• My mom & dad loved music and that was the era coming off major musical movies that my mom grew up with. So I loved all Broadway plays. Cats, Phantom of the Opera (I played religiously with these certain Barbie dolls and Ken), Les Miserables, Oklahoma, Sound of Music, Bye Bye Birdie, Hello Dolly!, and Meet Me in St. Louis were all religiously played over and over throughout many, many years.
• and much . . . much . . . more!

Can I just stay here?

I can't believe less then a month ago I was in this paradise. Four days is enough to wind down and I am so grateful I had that opportunity. But it's definitely not enough days to just completely "reset." I think 10 days is the average time to completely unwind, have time to reset and then look forward to actually coming back to reality.

However, alas, I am just grateful I got to go at all. And I went for the first time without my 2-year old son. I honestly didn't know how I would handle it because there was so much anxiety leading up to leaving him with my mom and aunt for 5 days. He was fine and they were absolutely amazing so again, so grateful. But for me! I was so worried also about myself allowing myself to let go completely and not be so worried and just enjoy each moment being there in Paradise.

And guess what? Being in a place like the Bahamas at a resort no less, I did not have a problem letting it all go once I got there. I forgot what it's like to just literally have "nothing to do all day," no plans, nothing. I forgot what it was like to just decide moment by moment where we would lay around (beach? or pool?), the decision were, "Mojito or pina colata now?" Forgot what it's like to be tired . . . and just lay down for a nap - in the middle of the day. Who cares?! Forgot what's it like to have real adult conversations for more than 15 minutes - maybe even . . . . 2 hours? I could concentrate on what everyone was saying not just getting snippets. I also could contribute! And have full, uninterrupted thoughts. We would end up eating late, after all the other families had ripped through the restaurants - 8:00 or 8:30 and then get  back to the hotel after 11 pm. I thought I would be so exhausted from staying up late. But when you combine that with literally laying around all day . . . it works out.

I do wish I could've had more time but again, this post is just a reminder to be grateful for what I got. It was unbelievable. The first real vacation in over 10 years. Yes, I've gone on lots of "trips" but not like this. And this was definitely my ideal vacation. Maybe I'll get to go on one in another 10 years but let's hope that it's sooner than that! :) Thank you Universe!

Coming up for air

Geez whiz. Been completely MIA for the past 3 months and now finally feeling like I'm coming up for air. Some wonderful things have been happening and it's fun to sit and reflect over the whirlwind of the past several weeks to notice and say thanks to those wonderful things. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind of work and feel the sometimes sheer exhaustion of being a mom while trying to do some things for herself.

But to start, would just like to share that I've finished my Yoga Teacher Training two weekends ago from the YogaSix Studio here in St. Louis. YEAH!!! Something I've aspired to and have in the back of my brain for several years now. Even if I don't teach, or teach someday further in the future, it was an amazing experience. And was perfect timing of course.

However, even through this experience, it wasn't like everything "fell into place" and all was completely harmonious and smooth sailing. Reflecting back on these months it was, at times, overwhelming. I felt pushed and pulled under like enormous waves were dictating my life. Just to get to the training sessions was always such a struggle. Once I was there of course I was happy to be there and learning what I want to learn about. But it was tough to let go of the motherly guilt of not being around during every weekend and for a full-time working mom, I already have enough guilt in that department not being able to spend every day I could with my little guy. Had to schedule time off work, leave early from work, remember to get food/snacks for every day, try to work around my schedule to make room for required hours outside of those sessions (homework and other classes to take from each studio from certain instructors). Almost didn't make a session because of a nasty snowstorm and with only 2 weekends offered as "breaks," each one either I was sick, my son or my husband was sick. The last week, gearing up for our final Practice Teaching session which is the accumulation of what you've learned over the last 10 weeks, preparing to offer up your very own yoga sequence for an entire 60 minutes, my son got severely sick. I ended up staying up with him through 3 nights before the final session started (Thurs night, Friday all day, Saturday and Sunday all day were the final sessions), instead of being able to practice my teaching sequence. It got rugged. Of course all ended very happily and in spite of it all, I did my very best! I wish I could've given my 100% like some of the other fellow participants.

BUT the rewards were simply awesome. An introduction to the world of yoga, the traditions, the mindsets, the attitudes, the perspective and spiritual foundation that was exactly what I have been yearning for for a long, long time. It fed my soul in ways that I was hoping it would.

Interestingly enough the entire experience was not a complete shock. I didn't have any major epiphany or earth-shattering, life-changing moment, like some of the others shared that they did. Instead, it's been a consistent affirmation of ideas or thoughts that I have learned or been exposed to all these years, a confirmation of my own belief systems and most importantly, a way to structure it that has been missing in my life. I learned new things of course specific to the context of the yogic tradition.

And I feel, like any new and fulfilling, the practice of yoga is not just on the mat but "off the mat." So in that vein, I am leaping into the spring season renewed with a sense of improving my lifestyle, my health choices, my way of living (not just psychically in my space like my studio and/or house, but also feeding my soul spiritually too)! So many times when a person might go through something like this, they might want to throw everything overboard and start new, fresh. I feel like that.

But . . . the most important thing that this entire experience has taught me, is that life is most often not like that. Few people have the privilege, daring or recklessness (depending on how one sees it) to throw everything out and start fresh, a new. And become a brand new person - the person they wish to be. Reflecting now, I see it more like baby steps. It's the baby steps that really do make all the difference in  your life. And to accept where I AM RIGHT NOW. Acceptance is key. It is being honest with yourself, loving yourself and knowing even though you have some ways to go to improve in all areas of your life, you can change today. Everything is change, everything is in flux, it is how we approach each moment that is the key to happiness, fulfilled life perhaps.

Already I'm amazed I even did this and finished it since it literally felt like it dropped in my lap - which is not like me to just do something last minute. Especially now since coordinating and planning around the schedule of a 2 year old is not easy.

I am SO Grateful though that I did accomplish this feat for myself. If anything, it has shown me the path to go to create a self-care plan, to fuel a passion for yoga that I've always wanted to do but never fully committed.

And it has also given me such fantastic ideas for how to teach and blend this into my artwork! Perhaps someday I can make the transition into teaching yoga + art workshops. To bring some of the skillfulness of how a yoga teacher might guide through her class, into an art class/workshop. And to more fully integrate yoga/meditation into my own practice to share with others who might be interested. That's super cool too - something I've always wanted to do and now have the certification to do it! :)

Take a deep breath, be grateful for where you are . . . take a baby step.

It's September? oops!

It hasn't even really registered that it's almost the end of September and therefore my blog has been empty for couple weeks! Disgraceful. I do (in theory) tell myself I have an "excuse" in that I've completely and totally am redoing my basement/studio space. And that has taken up so much of my "extra" time - I'm still not finished but clearing out MAJOR things like a big, enormous desk in the far end of the area to make room for a much smaller desk so that I can start to video myself painting right across from my computer screen. I've been thinking and re-thinking and envisioning what the space should look like all summer. I had to move a piano  by myself to the other side of the room and all my crap (LOTS and LOTS of it) had to be stored away. It's stuff like all the china, silver and dishes from both my grandmothers I was keeping are all now in neatly packed boxes in my mom's new condo. I also inherited an awesome basement storage shelving unit that now houses all most of my artwork in the unfinished area - not in my studio space anymore.

The idea is to allow for more space for my artwork, to set up a space to video me showing techniques and also to have at least half of the space possibly used for demo workshops and perhaps a lesson or two. I at least need the space set up correctly in order to even offer up any of those ideas I want to do in the near future. So dropping everything and focusing on this enormous task has taken all of my extra time - which we moms with young children don't have! (and rightly so for now). But I'm pleased with my efforts I just didn't realize an entire month has gone by without a single post!

If ("when!") I have a budget for magazines

I LOVE LOVE LOVE magazines. I always have been, always will be I expect. It's one of the trait's left to me by my dad since he loved magazines and collected subscriptions. If (or *when!) I have the extra money to buy as many subscriptions as I want, I would love to put the following on my list:

1) MODERN PAINTING

Not particularly sexy cover this issue but this is a rather new magazine published (I believe in NYC) in the last couple years that focuses exclusively on contemporary painting. But of course it's extremely hip and cutting edge, not just focuses on painting but the context of painting within the contemporary art world as well. Which means that the articles and interviews can have a wider interpretation of "painting" across media (which is definitely the trend in the art world today). For decades, and I mean DECADES the discourse around painting is that "painting is DEAD!" especially ever since Greenberg and Pollock exploded onto the abstract stage in the 50's. But this magazine is proof that painting is not dead, it is ever-evolving, challenging and being challenged as it's own media.

So always good to be within context of the times! (And I get overwhelmed with ArtForum which is the "Bible" of contemporary art so I had stopped my subscription after a while. It's just too much extra theory and discourse for me personally!)

2) THE ELEPHANT

The Elephant is such a beautifully constructed magazine that offers up more like a "Bible" too of what's happening in the contemporary art world but also visual culture as well. It's published in London so you definitely get a broader and richer vibe from the European front. There are excellent Studio Visit articles and themes that are current within the art/culture community. Lots of writing but also lots of beautiful artwork. Again not the most flattering of covers this issue (most of Elephant covers are so bright you can't miss them!). but pretty expensive subscription as well.

3) FLOW MAGAZINE

Flow is such a unique magazine it functions more like a "project-book" then a real magazine format but it's super duper creative and craftsy. It's also a Dutch magazine so again it's cool to get different perspectives about design outside the US. The focus is exploring "small happiness, daily life and the beauty of not always managing to be perfect." The publishers have a love of paper, which is clearly evident since a lot of the pages are printed on different types of paper. Love of illustration, design and also part of the "slow-revolution," exploring themes of "creativity, positive psychology, mindfulness and beauty of imperfection." It's definitely a magazine that is more like a book, requiring you to slow down, look carefully through all the pages and contemplate the design and words. This issue especially I actually might buy because it's sole focus in on mindfulness (which is EVERYWHERE these days isn't it?!).

4) SELVEDGE

I absolutely adore this magazine and for a while did continuously buy copies of it and still have all of them in my archival library. It is an extremely sophisticated, beautifully designed magazines that focuses on the textile industry and all thigns related to textiles in the industry. There are cool articles on historical details of lace for example, latest textile designers, fashion and even focus on fiber/textile artist in the art world. It basically has nothing to do with my work EXCEPT I can justify that some of it has pattern which I'm interested in of course. So that is why I justified purchasing copies but in general, I appreciate the look, feel, design and photographs of this gorgeous magazine. I wish I had the money!

5) COUNTRY HOMES & COUNTRY HOMES INTERIORS

Since my aesthetic has consistently been drawn to the whatever country style the UK is publishing, I absolutely adore these 2 magazines. I enjoy them for their interior highlights but also because the articles are everything to do with English country life. I am obsessed with England and wish that some day I could buy a small cottage in the middle of Derbyshire or by the sea in like Cornwall (see Poldark recently?!!). I get these magazines to get inspired but also to dream.

6) THE SIMPLE THINGS

Brand new magazine (as of last year or the year before) but absolutely stunning design layout and photography. Same thing as #5 in that totally inspired by British country life. All of the articles are also about the slow revolution - slowing down with reading, with being inspired by nature, by food, by traveling, etc. Not much in the design arena but still would love to catch one of these issues just because and read before a fire with hot tea.

7) KINFOLK

Beautifully printed, this magazine has been out for some time, again another one devoted to the "slow life." Design-wise it's the most sleek, elegant, sophisticated design that evokes to me, more of a book than a magazine layout. I would def want this magazine if I had the money. The articles are also very thoughtful with themes for each magazine.

who am I as an artist?

It's interesting I've taken a break so to speak from painting after the 100 Day Project and also because just spent a lovely and super fun week in Boston with my sister-in-law's family. Coming back to reality is always fun. It's also quite interesting to kind of figure out what I would like to blog about. I have a lot of interests even within the arena of "art" and it's been challenging to figure out what to write and what is most interesting for me to keep writing about! It's ironic that in a lot of professions nowadays, if you want to have an online presence, you must have a blog. Well . . . . blog means CONTENT which equals WRITING! It's ironic that the most successful way to reach people is something that you do not do very naturally. I'm a painter. And that's why it was really fun and easy to post what I was doing . . . PAINTING - which is natural to me. What I feel and thinking about and experimenting with, I can just show you through the 100 Day Project for example. So content was fun and relatively easy in that respect.

But I am not a writer. I like pontificating and writing as a way of journaling (very stream of consciousness as my husband calls it). I am not a very good editor of my thoughts. So why the heck would I want to WRITE A BLOG? That has been coming to me lately.

And "what kind of an artist am I" as been in my foremost thoughts now since my future business endeavors fell apart this past February. What I "thought" and "dreamed" and "hoped" was going to happen ended very abruptly. So what now?

I realize that the past decade I've been trying to answer this fundamental questions of "what kind of artist to I want to be?" to "Who am I as an artist NOW?"

I have toiled with tips and tricks but at this moment I'm wondering is that who I am really? I am not really fond of tips and tricks in magazines for example. I know they are very good, quick and engaging ideas or examples or specific projects, etc. But I don't do them. I may fold the corner of my magazine page and want to do them or try out that recipe or actually do that yoga sequence "some day" but I never do.

What really engages me and sticks with me are deeper issues. Why is art such a difficult and challenging subject for most people? In a lot of ways it can be argued that it is similar to the definition of love - so many different meanings, expectations, stereotypes and means different ideas in different contexts that it's almost impossible to define.

And I'm STILL struggling with MY definition of art and how I'm defining myself as an artist.

When I first decided to be an artist (and I really honestly mean that I did wake up one morning and decide, I'm going to plunge into this art thing), it was a harrowing adventure just to "come out" as an artist. Looking back as a child I realize now that I was always creative. I loved "playing" which meant making up my own imaginative worlds, mostly inspired by the dramatic movies I would watch and then try to act out (musicals were definitely a favorite!). But my entire young and growing into more of an "adult" life, I repeatedly thought "I'm not an artist!" and as I grew older into my high school years I would bombard myself with "well I'm not that kind of artist," - I can't draw like that, I can't paint like that, I'm not good enough! So I'm not an artist. I consider my creative or having a creative drive, but I'm not ambitious. Mostly I can't paint like that! So much so that by college I was a mess of "I can'ts" that drove me practically into hysteria by beginning of my senior year. Then I had my little epiphany on my art abroad but it still didn't take root until 4 years later.

After I had graduated from my first graduate masters program, I rejoined my husband who had moved to Washington DC for an exciting job opportunity. I had been separate from him, living in the rural fields of east Illinois, having this bewildering and eye-opening experience of "becoming a painter!"

I remember going to a barbeque of friend of a friend's and being overwhelmed by this new label I had earned - "an artist." I feel that most people in DC are obsessed with the government (why not? Practically every single person works or is related to someone who works there and either feels the need to be up on politics or it is really truly their passion), does social work, or is a lawyer. All conversations are very serious. And #1 topic of conversation is what you are "doing" currently with your life. So I specifically remember an instance when one girl walks up to me (because I was clearly doing the introvert thing of just staying a bit always quietly eating my cookie and looking awkward as hell), and brightly asking what I do? This was my very first initiation into the real world so to speak, with my new label. I conjured up my courage and exclaimed "I'm an artist." And with that there was a blink, a pause, and a disappointed "oh" from the girl. And then she just turned and walked away. I was a little stunned. Do I have green skin? Am I hideous or something? Do I speak a foreign language? All must have been true to this girl who obviously thought that either she had no idea what else to ask me or that I had nothing of interest to offer up to her. This incident has stayed with me as it clearly illustrates all of these stereotypes we, as a society and culture, have of artists.

Today, after another 4 years of after graduating from a prestigious art program for my MFA, I have finally overcome a lot of the academic aftermath of going through a program where it is also cultivated on what kind of artist you "should" be. I finally feel I've let a lot of that go and embraced more possibilities. And feel like I'm in a good place now because of this space and time away from such an intense period in my life.

Tonight I flipped through one of my journals and found a Manifesto written back at the end of April in response to a B-School assignment. I thought it is very apropos at this moment when I'm trying to put into words what I want this blog essentially to be about. My original purpose!

MANIFESTO (April 28, 2015)

* My purpose is to inspire women to be more creative in their lives, in a more soulful, deeper and richer way. Ultimately using painting and the art creative process as a spiritual practice or journey.

* We, women, are physically and biologically built to be creative, our fundamental purpose is to give life. But in today’s world, this purpose has been broadened and enriched to symbolize so many different forms, a source for living life to the fullest. Everyone is creative. Everyone is creative.

* Seems like there’s so much out there right now that is a “hobby,” or “DIY,” or “1-2-3 craft.” We think being creative is to go from project to project to project. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s fun, easy and less time consuming. And it’s also in the moment and for a purpose. But I feel I can contribute and show that the creative process can be a more enriching tool for a deeper, more soulful self-discovery. It is empowering to think there is a need for deeper, more meaningful messages or communications through art.

It's refreshing to see that my intentions are still pure in this respect. Now I have to figure out HOW I can do this. But for a start, this is definitely the kind of artist I want to be. Definitely the kind of art I want to make and definitely the kind of art process I would love to share.

Why is this summer to hard again?

Taking a moment to breathe right now. Reflecting this summer already almost over since August is literally just days away, I feel like summer hasn't been that great at all. Hardly any time for swimming, laying out in sun or being lazy. Soaking up the deliciousness that summer brings with hot weather, sandals and sweat. Playing golf with my golf-fanatic husband. Nope! Not this year. I could blame it on a lot of major things that are shifting in my life. May brought on some minor depression and frustrations with how things weren't going in my career life left over from February/March where my business plans with a friend blew up in my face and redirecting that ship after more than 2 years has been a challenge to say the least! June brought great trip to Colorado to visit my sister but hard to travel with a 1.5 year old (by MYSELF I might add!). I was exhausted and he was exhausted and sick afterwards.  A week later my father-in-law married a 36-year old woman with 4 kids under 10 which has directly impacted my husband's and mine's lives because we all live here in St. Louis and aren't supportive of this decision! So it's been quite stressful as our relationship with him has dramatically declined. Following this event, only 4 days later, we had a health scare with my sister-in-law (she came out fine but had to go through surgery). And finally June 26th brought the death of my dear dad. All in 3.5 weeks. It's funny how time and life are share such a close-knit relationship. You go weeks, months, years, and then bam, bam, bam in matter of days, life pulls a 180.

July has just been uber fast. I feel a little bit more centered and through it all I realized that having my 100 Day Project was quite therapeutic during this roller coaster spring and summer time. It put art as a priority (even if it only was 30 minutes a day), and now it is crystal clear that I should be working on pursuing my career as an artist (I already feel like I have been) but FULL TIME is the point.

In the beginning of June in Colorado I went to see a physic, had my first tarot card reading. Weather you believe in that sort of thing or not, for me personally, I believe whole-heartedly there is a universal law of Love that is guiding, protecting, caring, encouraging and gently suggesting to each and every one of us what our divine purpose here on earth really is - what major lessons are each of us here to learn. Each one of us has different lessons to learn and I believe guidance came come in any kind of channel to help support our growth.

I was a bit nervous about the tarot reading but the instant we started, the guide almost yelled out "WHOA! You are definitely freaked out right now!!" Suddenly for the first time in months, I felt a huge lift from my mental shoulders because as the reading continued it was very clear that there are going to be a lot of shit happening in my life in the future. And in the past I've had to get balanced and centered BUT I had time for that. For past couple years I've not had any time and in past couple months, things have accelerated where I literally felt like I'm spiraling out of control in a vertigo. In only the first 10 minutes, I felt validated. I wasn't going crazy! She could literally read my energy and she described exactly what I had been feeling for months - a deer in headlights, frustrated, scared, exhausted, feeling like I should figure everything out now. The balance has not been there for a long LONG time.

The psychic confirmed that it will not be that way for a while - perhaps a year or two. There are MAJOR changes still to come in our lives. But she told me I had to find a way to be OK with this - to be OK with feeling flipped out and know that there are moments of peace and centered-ness, finding some other way to stay balanced. Oh. Ok. I thought, interesting.

Looking back just as the weeks went by after my reading so much already happened right in a row, but the vision that has completely settled inside me for weeks now is razor sharp, crystal clear. And it all has to do with that finality of accepting my role as an artist. Believe or not, even though almost a decade of schooling and being a professional artist, I have struggle with what kind of artist am I?  I want to be a graphic designer? a web designer? a web consultant? a Marketing consultant? a small business partner owner of a website for creatives? a teacher? a wife? just a mother? All these labels we put on ourselves through our 20's and 30's - it's crazy! But finally, FINALLY, my heart is singing. What kind of artist do I want to be has been the major question of the past 5 years going through graduate school, etc. I did the high-end gallery route and that just didn't suit me - maybe it will eventually cause who knows what will happen. But right now, where I'm at it's not what I want at the moment.

But through it all right now, I can firmly say, I'm fine. I'm totally fine! And accepting this role as been a huge shift in my mental and emotional well being. It's inevitable. That word keeps coming to me. It may not happen now (like as a full-time artist to support my family), but it will happen, because it has to happen. There really isn't anything else I want to do, there isn't anything else I'm supposed to do. This is my "calling" and I feel that now more than ever. And in fact just doing 30 minutes a day of artwork has made me (gasp!) happy! So why struggle and try to be something else.

a mother's love is steadfast and true

Mother's Day! My entire life I never really ever thought of Mother's Day. We didn't celebrate a lot of holidays in our family. And Mother's Day was just an excuse to go to a nice dinner. Looking back now, I can see that my family growing up has been much more sentimental then my husband's family (who's native language, sarcasm, was an abrupt learning curve for me in my early years of dating my husband). We also made the obvious conclusion that my family has been full of . . . girls. In fact, looking back into my mom's family history, it's quite depressing that most of the men, generation after generation, left their wives and children either from alcohol, depression or just died. The women outlived their husbands, brothers and fathers by decades. I have an older sister, girl cousins, only aunts growing up that I knew and for the past 2 decades, visited my Grandmothers, Grandfathers passed away already. I even have 2 nieces--my sister has 2 girls.

My poor dad, my sister and I joke now, how did he do it?! Without any male influence or camaraderie my entire life, I never knew what that might mean until I met my husband and now look back at over 19 years of my life spent with his family. He has both a brother and a sister, boy and girl cousins, and grew up with a very strong male presence -- his dad was a very involved father, a grandfather he knew and uncles that were just like his dad - all the joking, the stores, the teasing and the sarcastic remarks! It was a rude awakening -- this new male world was full of farts, belches, crude jokes and ruthless sarcastic teasing.

But I knew, that weird mother's intuition, that I would have a son one day. And for the 3 years before I even got pregnant, I felt a boy's presence whenever I thought of becoming a mom. I just knew he was out there and I just needed to pray for the best timing to finally meet him.

But when it was actually "official" that I was pregnant with a boy, it still was a little eerie. My side of the family was ecstatic! A new adventure! But could I really raise a son? I had no mentor, no woman in my family that knew anything about raising a boy. And the one person that I could have related to (my mother-in-law), she passed away two years before. That would've been such a fun experience to hear all of her stories because she was a mother from a girl family too.

Now going back to my side of the family, we don't share a lot of holiday traditions really or make a huge deal of birthdays or whatever. But what we seem to always do is find the most sentimental Hallmark-y that oozes super touch-feeley, gushy and over-the-top romantics that my husband just balks at like a 10 year old "ewwwww!"

So to be perfectly honest, I felt it was always a bit much until . . . I became a mother. Ah . . . I GET IT. TOTALLY and COMPLETELY. Nothing can put into words what it is actually like to be a mom. And nothing can allow me to articulate clearly how much I love my little boy. He is the light of my life, now and forever. It will never change I know that. I know he makes me crazy - even today, he was not the "angel" that is always is, driving me nuts at dinner, throwing spoons, crying, just learning the word, "no! no . . . noooooo . . . . !" But he gives me his "kissy" and now is just learning, "p-e-e-s-e?" melts your heart a million times over.

Therefore, the cards that I've chosen for my own mom I now finally really get. It's the chance to say the un-sayable, to attempt to say how much mothers mean to us - a little more then just "I love you," although that is important to say more too. The depth of love that mothers walk around with in their hearts, the unfailing openness, acceptance and confidence in their children, even in the face of hurt, pain or worry. I never realized when my sister always complained of worrying all the time about her kids (obviously she still does cause the oldest one now is 16, the youngest is 10 - my mom says it never stops!), it takes SO MUCH ENERGY! But even more so, the amount of absolute unconditional love that mothers have is 100x stronger than the worry and pain, takes a lot of energy too but it is worth it - so worth it.

So I must just pause and take this moment to reflect on my life as a new mother (last year was my first year experiencing Mother's Day but my son was about 7 months old, so it was still a big whirl!), and all I feel is such a great privilege to have this special time with my son. It goes by in a blink of an eye. But all I feel is such gratitude, giving me the chance to be his mother.

And just to note, my absolutely unromantic and unsentimental husband pulled a fast one on me last year, giving me two-dozen roses, balloons and an awesome brunch with chocolate strawberries for dessert. I was surprised by the thoroughness of his planning since we don't do anything for each other anymore (I know it's pretty bad actually). But his response to going "overboard" for him was, "Hey. I believe in giving when well deserved, and being a mom is all about going 150% 24/7 - you work your ass off! I think that's worth a rose or two. . . . " That ladies and gentlemen is about as sentimental as my husband will get! But I believe every word of it! :)

To my mom, it is true, the more you grow older, the more you realize your parents are just people to, the more you forgive and the more you understand them, sympathize with them and remark on just how special they are to be your parents now that you understand what they went through for the past 30 years. Sincerely love you and grateful that you are my mom.

To my mother-in-law -- God we miss you! But you were to me one of those rare best friends in the end. I wish I had been even more open and honest with you. I wish I could hear your stories now that I am experiencing motherhood. But the time we had together was so very special and you were to me a second mom in so many ways.

To my sister -- you are incredible. I have no idea why your life has been so much more challenging than mine it would seem. But the boundless love and sincere empathy for humanity is astounding. You give of yourself so completely (sometimes without necessary boundaries - that's where I come in! :) but it is truly such an honor to have you as my sister. Your infinite love for your daughters is the foundation of your life and theirs. They know it, even when they seem to go through their challenges too, it is always, always there.

proud to be a gatherer

"Gather: To cause to come together; convene.To accumulate (something) gradually by means. To collect into one place; assemble To draw about or bring (one thing) closer to something else To conclude To summon up To attract or be a center of attraction for"

"a person who gathers; 'they were a society of hunters and gatherers.'"

I have so many awesome and insightful memories of my late mother-in-law (who was, hands-down, the most passionate and erudite woman I know, someone who just accumulated a database of random, but useful knowledge in her information brain bank). One interesting tidbit of info she said (I barely remember the context, but it always struck a chord) that somewhere in her findings, she said biologists and anthropologists conclude that men and women still have in their biological makeup, the need to "hunt" and "gather" in their DNA. That might seem quite obvious in some circumstances. Obviously one of the universal and stereotypical complaints of husbands about their wives is that there's way too much "crap" in the house. Uh . . . DUH! WE GATHER, COLLECT, ORGANIZE (well I hardly do actual "organizing" part, but I would say most women are known as excellent organizers!) and SAVE crap too. Yes, there's always exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, it seems true enough.

As my mother-in-law and I brainstormed together we realized, yes absolutely, we both are obsessed with gathering stuff! She LOVED all cleaning supplies . . . yet she had a cleaning service come every 2 weeks to clean her house. But anytime we went to The Container Store she couldn't help herself and she would buy all those orange funky sponges or mops that looked like some Sesame Street character designed by some Danish industrial line, and while paying for them at the cash register (and no they weren't "cheap,") she would sheepishly grin at me that they were so "pretty." She also obsessed about shoes - there were 4 closets filled with them. And she was notorious at work for having piles and piles of paper, folders, files, you name it, scattered around her office, but ask her where something was and she would carefully pluck a sheet from the MIDDLE of a 5 inch pile without a blink of an eye and silently hand it to you.

I, on the other hand, am an "artist." I can't help but gather as much crap as possible because 3 years later-- I really will see it as the perfect found Target patterned paper for that art piece I can now use it for-- so I can't help it! Not only gathering supplies, I LOVE books and magazines. Obviously, I tell myself, I'm just fulfilling my creative impulse to fill as many drawers, tubs, boxes and sketchbooks as possible with my images that catch my eye for future projects, piles of torn pages from magazines and books. I can't ever through those away.

I have amassed (no joke!) I believe over 1,238 bookmarks in my firefox browser alone, mostly on art, artists, design, interior design, travel and of course favorite bloggers websites. I have hundreds of images I collect over the internet from favorite artists I like. I also have thousands of random images I keep of my own artwork from over the years, art from museums I've visited, random shots of random things I though pretty, and from every single international trip, I've taken thousands of things I thought were interesting . . . which coming home I asked myself, "wait . . . why did I take a photo of that again?"  I have every single piece of music composed by Beethoven, (obviously LOVE classical music), as well as almost every single DVD series from the past 10 years at least from BBC or PBS British Classic Drama! I'm obsessed with books - but not just the normal romantic or historical fiction kind no -- I always hunt through the art, design, craft and photography sections seeing if there is anything interesting in there. I always start in the magazine sections -- this gives me a clue to what I'm interested in at the moment (like what music you want to listen to sets the mood!). I love the ancient mysteries and New Age section and occasionally skip through the cookbooks to see if there's something interesting that I would love to aspire to cook but pretty much hardly ever do.

But it's not jut STUFF, it's other immaterial things too like ideas, information, stuff to research. I LOVE brainstorming sessions. With my mother-in-law, we were the world's brightest think tank solving all the world's problems over a mountain cookie and twin Starbucks hot chocolate! She routinely watched the daily morning shows, which we realized too are just a smorgasbord of random info pulled together mainly for . . . a woman's audience! She also loved reading every Economist issue front and back as much as a good historical novel about Elizabeth the I.

The worst though is that I'm also quite messy. I have "reminder piles" I call them lying around my house. They could be clothes I need to fold or hang or want to wear in the next couple of days. There could be shoes at the front door, dishes in a pile for putting in the dishwasher, books, random papers, anything lying about that "reminds" me that I need to do something with it. I gather everything and anything! If I don't see it I literally don't remember it. My husband gets uber frustrated with me! He remembers everything . . . in his HEAD. And I cannot remember a thing unless I see it in a pile of stuff that I've gathered together.

This rant also does relate directly back to my artwork and painting process. It's messy but there's a purpose to it. When I work I get everything out at once and work on all pieces of artwork, bouncing around in my "piles" of painting and paints. Gathering different media to collage into. I like having all my paints out, my brushes everything so I can see them and make decisions quickly based on what I see. I always leave everything "out" until I finish all of the paintings. Then I pack everything up at all at once to clean and put things away. That's the way I cook, that's the way I do laundry, that's the way I work on projects. I realize I tend to wait and wait until things pile up and I gather enough stuff to do something with it.

And on top of those things above you may think, "well that sounds like anyone, everyone has their interests, their quirks and their unique habits about acquiring random stuff physical or digital."But the female gatherers are unique -- if you are doubtful, just look at all the fabulous blogging women out there! They "gather" everything and anything that's beautiful, useful, informational, decorative, fashionable, unfashionable, vintage, new, kid-related, cooking-related, crafty, DIY projects, technological, etc. you name it! Thousands of successful and thoughtful blogs on whatever topic is fascinating to them with their own unique spin is an enormous resource out there right now. It's damn impressive actually! And we all eat it up! Why Pinterest is known for being 90% women who are gathering images of everything from travel to weddings to cooking to house paint.

So, yes, we women, have it in our blood pointing to the inevitable factoid that we ARE GATHERERS. I embrace this! It must be because we love learning new things, new ideas and new ways of doing something and then we love sharing it! We communicate, share, learn, share and communicate. It's a fascinating network--we gather for each other, learn from each other and then bring back new insights to the whole. It's a very enriching and healthy process! And the more we learn, share and grow, the smarter we all are.

So, I have formally decided to embrace this label. It seems a word that has so much potential for me. The possibilities of gathering and then piecing together to see the bigger picture gives my brain ultimate pleasure. I finally realize it now and stop blaming myself for my compulsive behavior. The more I research the web, the more I'm sincerely blown away by the creative worlds I want to be a part of, the people I would love to connect and meet with someday, the ideas that blow my mind and make me inspired, and the stories that touch my soul.

I am PROUD to be a "gatherer," and so should you.

spring is here finally!

Today was exactly what I needed. The second day in a row here in St. Louis above 60 degrees. After a stretch of bitter cold for the past 5-6 weeks, obviously this is such a relief to know that spring is probably here - if not right around the corner. I was able to at least write in my journal for 15 minutes this afternoon and finally took my son on a walk at the local park. It's definiately not "beautiful" yet -- everything is still very brown with no promise of the new green peeking through the forests. The ponds still have ice frozen on them and the ground is extremely muddy and gray. BUt it didn't matter at all. Those few moments of reflection, space to think and try to gain a sense of centerness and newness. Spring . . . there's a reason why so many artists and musicians have been so inspired by this special season. New beginnings. Damn. New beginnings doesn't always bring this sweet, beauty of promise. Sometimes new beginnings are raw, gritty, vulnerable and scary.

Following a new year, it always feels like there is such optimistic, so much promise and expectation that this will be the best year of your life. I felt I needed that space to stop and reflect and I did. I realized, quite pessimistically, that last year was not great. Set aside the greatest achievement of my life (which is no small thing whatsoever!), the birth of my son and taking care of him in those precious first months of his life, everything else in my life was full of frustration, hurt and disappointment. I honestly felt realigning my thinking would help position me to embrace this coming year as "different."

Boy was I about to be rocked to my core just days after I thought I had hit some ground! In a matter of 2 weeks, my business aspirations, with one of my good friends that we had been "working on" for over 2 years, completely unraveled before my eyes. And I felt completely out of control the entire time--like I was on some roller-coaster and couldn't get off. My emotions overwhelmed me. It wasn't my decision - nothing had been my decision, I felt it was all her decision and her family's. It was extremely bewildering and I still am working through feeling hurt. But in this process--because it is a process--I am facing some core beliefs and weaknesses about myself that I have either ignored, or been in denial or perhaps did not see. And I am seeing myself face to face.

New beginnings. It sometimes is not pretty at all. Especially when you feel yourself most vulnerable. My husband, we have been together since we were 16 and we are facing another "new beginning" moment in our lives as well. Long talks and discussions between us over weeks and weeks, have peeled back many layers, revealing some truths but mostly shaking questions: are we still supposed to grow together? Is there enough love between us to get past these seemingly great obstacles to see what's more important about our lives? Or is there not? Do we feel like we missed out? Made the right choices? We are so different in our interests, can we grow older together and feel like we are still a part of each other's lives? Are we just together because we now have a son? Did we both "settle?"

Questions, questions, questions. I don't have answers at all right now. And that's ok. Right now, I just have these precious moments with my son to enjoy and a day like this - perhaps not a "perfect" day yet by any means--the breezes are still cool, the sun not warm enough, the scenery not pretty enough, still very much wintery. But the promise is there. I hold to that promise. And hope that I have the courage to become who I very much want to be.